Retro Review: C-12 FINAL RESISTANCE (PS1)

Developer: SCE Studio Cambridge
Publisher: SCE
Platform: Playstation

Recently I've been tracking down and playing some of the classic games of my youth. One I remember being particularly fond of was this post-apocalyptic third person shooter which was released in 2001, shortly after the release of the PS2. As I remember it was largely overlooked, but was that because of the incredibly successful PS2? Or was C-12 just a really bad game? I certainly remember enjoying it at the time but then again I was only 14 years old and as long as a videogame was mildly entertaining I was pretty satisfied. 12 years have passed and I finally decided to give it another playthrough to see if it still holds up today.

As I mentioned already C-12 FINAL RESISTANCE is a third person shooter with a post-apocalyptic theme. Aliens have invaded Earth and have come to harvest the planet's carbon (C-12 being a reference to 12C) which is not good news at all because there is carbon in pretty much everything - including us humans.
But never fear because Lieutenant Riley Vaughan has come to save the day! You play as Lt. Vaughan, a human soldier who has been given an alien optical implant which he uses to scan enemies and his surroundings. Vaughan has been tasked with saving the human race with a little help from the military, mostly through radio communication. But as you may have guessed the story definitely isn't the game's strong point and only really acts as an excuse for you to traverse the ruined cityscape blasting aliens and cyborgs.

Combat makes up the meat of the game and it works in a way that reminds me a lot of Syphon Filter. The R1 button locks onto which ever enemy you are looking at, or at least that's how it's supposed to work. In practice the targeting system is pretty inconsistent and you'll often find yourself locking on to the wrong enemy while another bears down on you and swiftly begins tearing you apart. Vaughan starts off with a kind of energy blade, forcing you to get up close and personal for some melee combat before you finally come across a machine gun. Heavier weapons appear later on including a rocket launcher and laser and ion cannons but it's all pretty standard hardware that doesn't really do anything different or impressive.

Visually the game is decent for the PS1 but still nowhere near what the console was capable of at the best of times. The locations are all pretty grey and dreary and very same-y and the enemy character models are unimpressive and uninspired. Most of the time the controls work like they are supposed to but oh my dear god, the fucking camera. If you find yourself out in an open space it's fine, but enter a confined space and it gets that incredibly frustrating Tomb Raider shit happening where it will swing to the worst possible angle, leaving you to attack blindly at the enemies you can't see. And as for the sound there's not really a lot apart from the weapons firing and the enemies growling, some nice background tracks would have been appreciated here.

So yeah as you can imagine C-12 isn't as great as my 14 year old self remembers, but having said that it still have some fun gameplay and it's definitely not the worst third person shooter on the console. I honestly can't really recommend this unless you happen to get a copy for free or maybe have some young 'uns because it is quite an easy game.

CONQUEST (1983) Review

Directed by: Lucio Fulci
Written by: Gino Capone, José Antonio de la Loma, Giovanni di Clemente, Carlos Vasallo
Starring: Andrea Occhipinti, Jorge Rivero, Sabrina Siani, Gioia Scola, Conrado San Martín

Lucio Fulci has quite an interesting filmography as a director. Apart from his more well known gore films like ZOMBIE and THE BEYOND he’s also dabbled in spaghetti westerns (MASSACRE TIME, FOUR OF THE APOCALYPSE) and even erotic comedy (THE EROTICIST). And after the success of films like CONAN THE BARBARIAN and BEASTMASTER it seems Fulci decided to jump on the bandwagon along with the other thieving Italian exploitation filmmakers who thought they could make a quick buck. His own sword and sorcery flick was CONQUEST. But to give it his own unique flavor Fulci decided to mix some of his patented gore in amongst the oiled muscles, mythical creatures and cheap post-production effects. Sadly if you’re looking for a level of splatter akin to THE BEYOND then you will find yourself severely disappointed as although there are some nice scenes here (decapitations, zombies, head-splittings etc) it’s far tamer than what Fulci has done in the past. But if you’re looking for a bizarre fantasy adventure with plenty of action (and more importantly, boobs) then you’re in luck.

The entire film is shot in a blurry, soft-focus style which I guess is to try and give it a mystical and ethereal look. Unfortunately it’s far too heavy and it ends up looking as though the movie was shot using a jar of Vaseline instead of a camera and smoke instead of film. In retrospect I've decided that it could also be to help hide some of the pretty horrible effects work. Well played, Fulci. Well played indeed.
CONQUEST also happens to be the first of Fulci's films after ending his professional relationship with writer Dardano Sacchetti (Sacchetti worked with Fulci on most of his more well known horror flicks). It's also regarded by many as the beginning of the fall of Fulci. Why? I have no idea. In fact I think the movie is fucking badass.

The basic plot for CONQUEST is your average, generic 'hero must overcome obstacles to defeat evil oppressor' tale. However the way it unfolds isn't quite what you might expect. Ilias (Occhipinti) is the hero chosen by his people to traverse the land and confront the evil sorceress Ocron (Siani). Ocron's army of Wookie rejects are terrorizing the innocents of the land, smashing them and munching on their guts and brains. Ocron herself - despite being a sorceress - doesn't really seem like that much of a threat at all. In fact the most mystical and magical thing she seems capable of doing is writhing around in nothing but a gold mask and g-string while a giant snake slithers across her hot, naked body. Not that I'm complaining of course.
Ilias carries a magical bow that shoots blue freaking laser arrows and even though the effects look like shit the very idea of laser arrows is fucking awesome. He is also accompanied by Mace (Rivero), an animal-loving barbarian. Together they journey across the land, tackling beasts and monsters (including some familiar looking Fulci zombies) with the goal of overthrowing the sexy (but evil) Ocron.

Monsters, nudity, laser arrows, blood, gore - sounds brilliant right? Well it is. The whole movie is full of surreal and unforgettable moments, like the part where Chewbacca's cousins tear a woman in half, right down the middle. Or when our hero is attacked by some strange killer bush. And how could I forget the scene where our animal-loving friend Mace is rescued by dolphins? Add to all of this Claudio Simonetti's synth-heavy score and you've got one weird (but awesome) fucking movie. As far as CONAN rip-offs go this is the best I've seen and I'd honestly rather watch this over CONAN any day. If you can get past the annoying soft-focus, blurry, smoke-machine effect there is a lot to like about the underrated Fulci flick.

WESTWORLD (1973) Review

Directed by: Michael Crichton
Written by: Michael Crighton
Starring: Yul Brynner, Richard Benjamin, James Brolin, Dick Van Patten

I have always been wary about this movie. Knowing that it was a science fiction movie from the 70's about a wild west theme park, I always thought What could be so interesting about that? Even the fact that Yul Brynner was in it couldn't stir any interest. 
Maybe it was because I have repressed memories of the wild wild west section of movie world. Maybe a woman in line for the log ride shouted at me for carving a cock into a table. Maybe that moment still haunts my fragile memories...

Anyway I gave the film a go and guess what? It fucking rocked my shit. Turns out that there is a trillion interesting things that could happen in a wild west theme park. 
In the not to distant future there is a corker of a theme park. There are three different themes; castle world, Rome world and west world. On each of these little 'worlds' are life like robots that act as civilians in their environment.  A guest can interact with these robots in any way they please. This includes kill them, have sex with them... actually that's about it. 

The film follows a couple of geeks (I've forgotten the characters names) that head out into west world. They have a raucous, knee belter of a time with prostitutes, bar fights and a gun fight with a robotic YUL BRYNNER. However things start going a little crazy at the theme parks control centre as the scientists begin to notice that the robots are going off of the script. They are also becoming quite violent toward the guests.

This is a hell of an entertaining movie. Although its a little bit dated. That doesn't matter. It's all in the concept. The casting of Yul Brynner as a cybernetic bogey man is genius. 
Yul Brynner wasn't acting in this film (only on the bits where he died). He spends the whole movie walking around like a real bad cunt with a posture you just don't see any more. I'm sure that that is how Yul Brynner walks all of the time whether it's to take out the bins or get some milk from the corner shop. Yul Brynner is what makes this movie fantastic, I couldn't imagine anyone else in this role (maybe Lee Van Cleef). 
Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner. There. I have mentioned Yul Brynner nine times in this relatively short review. This film gets four Yul Brynners out of five Yul Brynners.

 - Review by Patrick Donohue

BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE (2009) Review

Directed by: Geoff Klein
Written by: Geoff Klein, Jeff Ross
Starring: Cindel Chartrand, Danielle Doetsch, William Jarand, Suzi Lorraine, Christina Sciortino, Tarek Gader, Ivan Peric

A slasher titled BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE is kind of a hard thing to ignore. Even if you expect it to be pretty terrible (like I did) there’s a certain curiosity that just begs to be satisfied. After all, in my experience girls in bikinis never seem to make movies any worse, in fact in some cases they make them infinitely better. Sadly that’s not the case here. Instead what we have here is a routine slasher the likes of which we've all seen many, many times before. But that in itself isn't a bad thing, after all this subgenre hasn't changed all that much over the years and a nice solid slasher that doesn't necessarily bring anything new to the table can still be very enjoyable. But not only does this film bring nothing new to the scene, what it does bring is done either badly or at the very best of times mediocre.
A group of hot college girls are organizing a bikini car wash to help raise some quick cash. Along the way their bus brakes down just as they approach an abandoned gas station in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately for them this gas station isn't quite abandoned, in fact it’s inhabited by a hulking, sweating, mute psychopath named Moe. And Moe sure doesn't like people trespassing on his property. As expected he begins systematically picking them off one by one, killing them before dumping them into freezers packed with ice. Why? Because he can.

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that a slasher villain doesn't need some kind of backstory for a movie to be successful. It’s been done plenty of times before. But here is a movie that really could have done with something, anything resembling a backstory for the killer, if only to answer the question; what in the blue fuck is this guy’s obsession with ice? And where does he get it all? Does he work at an ice factory? I just can’t see this creep strolling down to the local supermarket and filling his shopping cart full of bags of ice. And if all of his freezers are filled with dead bodies, where does he store the rest of the ice? And why does he even need the ice? I'm pretty sure a body will be just as frozen in a freezer without ice. But I forget, movies (horror movies in particular) don’t need to be logical. That may be so but I still think it’s a bit ridiculous to throw something like that in there and then not explain it at all.

Obviously the big draw card here is the first half of the film’s title. BIKINI GIRLS. You’d think that getting a bunch of college girls all soaped up before having them run around and get slaughtered by a killer would be a hard thing to fuck up. Well apparently it’s not as difficult as you would expect.
First of all is the fact that although the film’s title teases us with the prospect of nudity, there is almost nothing. There’s a single sex scene where we get a fleeting glance at some breasts but that’s it.
And to make things worse this is a slasher with basically no gore. Every kill is a repeat of the previous one. We get a shot of Moe hacking or stabbing repeatedly with whatever weapon he currently has at hand, the body of the victim just out of frame and a few quick shots of blood splattering a nearby wall.
I don’t know if the excuse for this was a limited budget or what but if there’s one thing you don’t skimp on in a slasher it’s the gore. Sure there is a throat slice later on that actually looks decent but the rest of the death scenes are seriously disappointing.

One thing that the film did get right was making the characters so unlikeable that you just can’t wait for them to die. Unfortunately because of the unsatisfying kill scenes it’s not as rewarding as it should be.
The dialogue is pretty horrible and the acting is your average low budget slasher level stuff, but to be honest even if it were some amazing Academy Award winning shit it still wouldn't have made the movie any better. BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE may have an alluring title but it is a wasted opportunity in both gore and nudity. Seriously, if they’d amped up the boob and gore ratio at least I would have been able to ignore all of the other shit.

ROLLING THUNDER (1977) Review

Directed by: John Flynn
Written by: Paul Schrader
Starring: William Devane, Tommy Lee Jones, Linda Haynes, James Best, Dabney Coleman

About two minutes ago I finished watching Rolling Thunder. How much machismo can be contained in one film? The answer: I don't fucking know but sweet, sweet Jesus this movie is loaded to the brim with machismo. I'm not talking about comic book bad arse like The Expendables or something gay like that, I'm talking about gritty tough. You can taste how fucking tough this is.
This film (the adrenaline rush of the film climax is still racing through me, sorry) I can proudly shout out into the black night that it is up on a pedestal with the grand daddy of vigilante films, Death Wish. 

The film is set sometime after the Vietnam war. The main character Charles (William Devane) touches down in his home town after several years of being held in a Hanoi prison camp. He is given a hero’s welcome along with a friend who was in the same camp (played by a very young Tommy Lee Jones).
 Upon trying to settle back into civilian life he discovers that his wife has been with another man for several years and wants a divorce. Also it would appear that he hasn't quite left the war as he has reoccurring nightmares of how he was tortured and a strange attraction to masochism. On top of many other problems he also has to get to know his son whom he left behind when he was an infant.
In a further ceremony Major Charles is awarded money and a Cadillac by the people of San Antonio. This money attracts the attention of some unsavoury characters.
One day Charles comes home to find that there a bunch of bad people in his house that want the money he was awarded. He kept his mouth shut and bared with a shit load of torture. In an act of frustration (as Charles is a real hard cunt) they shove his hand down a garbage compactor. His wife and son come home while all this is happening and cave in to the robbers request giving them the money. The robbers shoot everyone dead. Everyone, except for Charles.

The rest of the film is straight up bad arse. One of the coolest things about the movie is seeing how Charles gets around having a prosthetic claw. Dig this: he sharpens the claw and uses it as a weapon! And what a fucking nasty weapon it becomes.
The climax of the film (don't worry I won't spoil it) is incredible. I may even go one step further and say that it is one of the toughest shoot outs ever.
What makes this movie so gritty and nasty is the very well paced character building. It's may seem a little slow but there is a purpose. It's a fantastic build up that will knock the wind out of your sails. Kudos goes to William Devane for his brilliantly tough performance.
All in all this is a film that should be seen. Get onto this immediately as you will not regret it. If you do you will be heading straight into the heart of bad arse country.

 - Review by Patrick Donohue

ILSA: THE TIGRESS OF SIBERIA (1977) Review

Directed by: Jean LaFleur
Written by: Marven McGara
Starring: Dyanne Thorne, Michel Morin, Gilbert Beaumont, Ray Landry,

Siberia 1953: A man trudges through the snow obviously trying to flee someone or something. Men on horses are seen in pursuit. Suddenly the escapee is speared through the head. Blood stains the brilliant white snow. Cut to Dyanne Thorne atop a horse, and this is how we are first introduced to Ilsa the tigress herself.
Man that Ilsa sure does have an interesting job history. First a commandant in a German medical camp, then keeper of an Arab sheik's harem and now in TIGRESS OF SIBERIA she serves as the colonel at a Russian gulag. Bringing back the body of the speared victim she proceeds to make an example so that none of the other prisoners don't get any funny ideas about trying to escape. A heavy wooden mallet smashes the dead man's head into oblivion and his blood drips down a wooden shoot into a tiger's cage.

Ilsa runs Gulag 14; a hard labor camp for political prisoners. In typical Ilsa fashion she runs the place with an iron fist and anybody who can't or won't work is dealt with severely. This usually involves being drowned in freezing water or being fed to the pet tiger affectionately known as Sasha. There's also a rather inventive punishment which I like to call 'extreme armwrestling' which involves chainsaws and is awesome. And when she's not killing and torturing insubordinate prisoners she spends her time drinking and watching her comrades fight over who gets to fuck her. She regularly beds two men at a time. I could think of worse ways to keep warm in the frozen Siberian wasteland.

A new prisoner named Andriei (Morin) has come to Gulag 14 and similarly to Wolf from the original Ilsa film he is a tough customer and Ilsa is immediately intrigued by him. The regular process of brainwashing doesn't seem to affect him but before anything can be done about that Joseph Stalin is executed and a Russian General Zerov is on his way to liberate the gulag. Ilsa and her comrades burn the place to the ground and kill the prisoners. But Andriei manages to survive. And this is where the movie takes an unexpected and bizarre twist. Because TIGRESS is really two exploitation films in one and the first is now over.

From 1953 Siberia we journey forwards all the way to 1977 in Montreal, Canada. Leaving the prison environ and violence behind the second part of the movie is more of a sleazy sexploitation tale complete with Russian spies. Once again we meet Andriei who is now the coach of a Soviet hockey team. After the game two of his players beg him to let them visit a local brothel because they don't want to return to Mother Russia without having sampled some real American pussy. He accompanies them to the aforementioned house of debauchery and they pick their whores and go to their rooms while Andriei waits for them. By an incredible (and completely ridiculous) coincidence the person who runs the brothel just so happens to be... Ilsa! Why is she running a brothel in Canada? That's easy; because it's a perfect excuse to show lots of female flesh. She spots Andriei and has her lackeys capture him and bring him to her. Around the same time General Zerov discovers that Ilsa still lives and so he arranges a team of Russian secret agents to go in and take her out.

TIGRESS OF SIBERIA gets a bit convoluted (at least for an Ilsa film) and after the gulag part is over things go downhill. I really would have liked the film to focus more on the Siberia part rather than the Canada part but seeing as we get treated to Ilsa soaping up and then hosing down her luscious twins in the shower I guess there's not really too much to complain about. Having said that this is easily the weakest entry into the franchise and it also has some of the worst dialogue of the three films (or four if you're counting WICKED WARDEN). For a perfect example check out the sex scene where Ilsa's lover tells her that 'my lance reaches deep'. And the scene near the end when Ilsa crashes her snowmobile is hilarious, however unintentional it may be.
Although TIGRESS is not as good as either of its predecessors it's well worth checking out if you want to complete the set, or simply if you just want to see Dyanne Thorne naked again.

ILSA: HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHEIKS (1976) Review

Directed by: Don Edmonds
Written by: Langton Stafford
Starring: Dyanne Thorne, Max Thayer, Jerry Delony, Richard Kennedy, Uschi Digard, Colleen Brennan

As deplorable as Nazi atrocities may be ILSA: SHE WOLF OF THE SS was popular enough that it spawned a string of quasi-sequels. These sequels kept the title character but are most definitely not canon. HAREM KEEPER ignores the previous film (obviously since Ilsa was shot in the face and killed) but keeps many of the same themes, shifting them to a different country and a different time period. SHE WOLF involved mostly sex and violence and HAREM KEEPER is much the same, although quite a bit tamer. This was to help secure an R rating (SHE WOLF was refused certificate twice by the BBFC) however the film was still refused classification in the UK. But don't let that word 'tamer' disappoint you too much because there is still a decent amount of violence and a whole lot of nudity to enjoy here.

In her second adventure Ilsa (Thorne) is the keeper of the harem belonging to sheik El Sharif (Delony). She kidnaps women for the sheik to use as sex slaves, trains them to be obedient and prepares other women to be sold at auction to the various other sheiks and rich Arabs. She has recruited a trio of special women for the sheik (including two of Russ Meyers' chesty super vixens; Uschi Digard and Colleen Brennan).
Meanwhile a Dr. Kaiser (Kennedy) and his assistant Commodore Scott (Thayer) are on route from the US to the sheik's palace in order to try and free him of his underground stockpile of black gold. The Commodore has organized a woman to infiltrate the palace in order to gather dirt on the sheik in order to blackmail him into giving up his oil (the US using nefarious methods to gain oil? Unheard of!).

Similarly to what happens in SHE WOLF, Ilsa becomes very intrigued with the American despite knowing full well that he is the enemy. At first she sees him as somewhat of a fuck-toy but it's soon obvious that her feeling for him are more serious. In fact in contrast to her previous outing Ilsa is shown to have an almost soft side (although that doesn't prevent her from killing and torturing). Obviously the sheik won't stand for this 'sleeping with the enemy' bullshit and as you can imagine the shit quickly hits the fan. Cue torture, an uprising and lots and lots of naked women.

As you can see by the accompanying images this is an epic sleaze-fest. There are tits all over the place in every shape and color. Ilsa's lesbian henchwomen (named Satin and Velvet) spend much of their on screen time wearing next to nothing, even when involved in a fierce gunfight towards the film's end. The concubines also have their melons on display as you would expect. And yes even Ilsa gets her sweater-puppies out, although not as much as she did in SHE WOLF. I swear this is the most titties I've seen in one film. They sure don't make 'em like this anymore. Unfortunately if you're a fan of the gory scenes from the previous film then you might be a little disappointed with this one.

But that's not to say there isn't some decent gore. In fact there are some nice scenes like when a thief has his hand sliced off with a sword, or when one of the women in the harem has her foot eaten to the bone by an army of ants, and there is a brilliant internal-explosion scene which you really need to see to enjoy. Director Don Edmonds has done a great job of cramming this exploitation piece with plenty of sleaze but unlike SHE WOLF this has more of a sense of fun about it and is exceedingly more cheesy and camp. As a result this instalment isn't as shocking as the original but it is still a whole lot of fun and a great example of the magic that was 70s exploitation cinema. Not 5 minutes goes by without a little blood or a whole lot of boobage and this is an exceptional sequel (or sort of-sequel) to the original classic.

ILSA: SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975) Review

Directed by: Don Edmonds
Written by: Jonah Royston, John C.W. Saxton
Starring: Dyanne Thorne, Gregory Knoph, Tony Mumolo, Maria Marx, Nicolle Ridell

I’ve been on a bit of an exploitation kick lately. I’m talking everything from blaxploitation to nunsploitation, sexploitation and everything in between. That of course includes one of the more unusual and interesting subgenres; nazisploitation. ILSA: SHE WOLF OF THE SS may not be the first of these (That honor goes to Lee Frost’s LOVE CAMP 7) but it is the one that really kickstarted the genre, and it is easily one of the best (or worst, depending on which way you look at it). There’s a good chance that you have at least heard about the film before (why else would you be reading this review?) and if you have then you’ve probably been told of the sex and/or the violence which comprise the majority of the film.
I’ve been promised countless times by these types of culty, grindhouse flicks that they are shockingly violent and filled with lots of sexy sex. Most of the time I have been disappointed with what I’ve seen. However in the case of ILSA I think I can confidently say that it lives up to its reputation (assuming you’re not watching a cut version). Sure the gore effects are dated, but if they’re enough for my fiancée to leave the room while trying to eat her dinner then I’d say they’re good enough.

Ilsa (Thorne) is the commandant of a Nazi prison camp, but not just any ordinary prison camp no. This is a ‘medical research’ camp where Ilsa and her sexy female officers spend their time performing horrific experiments on the female prisoners. Apart from the pressure testing and heat endurance testing Ilsa is performing her own procedures to try and prove a theory she has; that women can stand more pain than men. And speaking of men, there are male prisoners in the camp as well. They however are used as workers rather than patients, and some also double as Ilsa’s sexual partners. This sounds like a good deal right? I mean screwing the commandant has to come with its privileges, doesn’t it? Well apparently not, in fact it’s quite a risky business because if the men can’t meet her sexual needs Ilsa punishes them by having them castrated. Ouch.

A fresh shipment of prisoners arrives at the camp, including the German-born American Wolf (Knoph) - who intrigues Ilsa right from the start – and a group of women determined to find a way to escape, especially after they see the results of some of the commandant’s experiments. One of these women Anna (Marx) confronts Ilsa with the challenge that she is not afraid of pain. Big mistake. Rule #1 in Medical Camp 9: Don’t piss Ilsa off! She is an iron-fisted, ball-breaking bitch and doesn’t take shit from anybody. Needless to say Anna’s stay in the camp is considerably worse than the other women’s (that’s not to say theirs is a walk in the park either). Soon Ilsa recruits Wolf to be her new lover and after he shocks her by actually pleasing her in bed (he has the incredible talent of being able to hold his jizz load for as long as he wants) she becomes further intrigued. And doesn’t have his balls cut off. Hooray!
Meanwhile the female prisoners concoct a plan to escape.

Although there is some plot built in to it ILSA is all about one thing; shock factor. It meets this criteria by cramming in as much sex and torture as it can manage. Thorne is very well endowed in the breast area and spends much of her screen time either naked, semi-naked or at the very least showing some nice cleavage. Similarly her fellow female officers are seemingly always nude, especially when they’re ‘experimenting’ on prisoners. The nudity might be considered sexy in another context but when it’s accompanied by such horrendous torture it’s just kind of… weird. Essentially what I’m saying is that it’s difficult to hold a boner when people are being raped with electrified dildos and boiled alive.
There are a few exceptions, for example in the opening sequence Ilsa is shown taking a shower (accompanied by some terribly splashy-splashy water sfx) and the camera takes its time, slowly scanning her wet, full melons. The only problem is that you know 5 minutes later somebody is going to be whipped or sliced open or worse.

For those of you who actually care, the acting is bad. But I’m sure if this is the kind of movie you’re into that isn’t going to bother you at all. Dyanne Thorne hams it up as Ilsa, but I honestly can’t see anybody portraying the character as effectively, and if she’s happy to get her tits out then who am I to complain? The rest of the actors are just as bad (or worse) and terrible German accents abound. And the fact that the movie was shot on the exact same set as Hogan’s Heroes? Brilliant. I kept expecting Colonel Klink and Schultz to come wandering into frame.

For exploitation fans and fan of extreme or shocking cinema, ILSA is a must-see. Joe Blasco’s effects may not have the impact they did in the 70s but there is still enough violence here to satisfy most gorehound’s hunger. The movie begins with a sex scene and ends in mass violence, and in between it is more of the same. Although I question some of the experiments’ authenticity (it’s claimed the film is based on real events) and the acting is bad all-round, ILSA is an essential part of the exploitation catalogue and probably the best example of nazisploitation out there.

SHREDDER (2003) Review

Directed by: Greg Huson
Written by: Craig Donald Carlson, Greg Huson
Starring: Scott Weinger, Lindsey McKeon, Juleah Weikel, Billy O'Sullivan, Holly Towne, Brad Hawkins, Peter Riggs

Horror movies that take place in freezing climates have always been attractive to me. There's something about the contrast of crimson blood pumping out onto fresh white snow that just seems awesome. So I really had no troubles jumping into SHREDDER despite it being a slasher I'd never before heard about. Unfortunately rather than being cool as ice SHREDDER is quite a lukewarm affair.

Here is a movie that's borrowed the book on 'how to make a slasher' from the library and photocopied every page before returning it. It's about as stereotypical as you can get and doesn't deviate from the formula in the slightest. It follows a group of young attractive friends taking a trip to an abandoned, isolated ski lodge so that they can go carve some sweet snow. Cole (Weinger) and Kimberly (McKeon) originally planned a romantic weekend away but Kim reveals that they won't be making the trip alone. Skyler (O'Sullivan) and his video camera are accompanying Kirk (Riggs) who is apparently some sort of pro snowboarder and the pair are filming a documentary. Kimberly's cousin Pike (Weikel) and friend Robyn (Towne) are also coming along for the ride. After stopping off at a bar they are warned by the crotchety old bartender to stay away from the top of the mountain because it's not safe, but of course they don't really give a shit.

After shredding some snow and drinking and smoking weed and all that other shit you'd expect these kids to do they realize that something is not quite right. There's a skier clad in black who's starting to pick them off one by one. Could this have to do with the story of the little girl who was killed by snowboarders years before? And what about the mysterious European hunk Cristophe (Hawkins) who acts like he has something to hide? Will they figure it out before they are all... iced? (sorry).
The movie plays out exactly how you would expect and it's not really that big a mystery as to who the killer is. There are a couple of obligatory red herrings thrown in but if you've seen a few slashers then you'll recognize them straight away.

The filmmakers have also managed to work in some of that oh so cool meta stuff that SCREAM was well known for. But lines like "you never go in the basement!" and "you can't kill me, I'm still a virgin" just aren't clever anymore. Thankfully at least there are a decent number of kills and most of the effects are practical and pretty well done. The partial decapitation right near the start is probably the best but the last kill honestly looks pretty cheap and shitty. And at least we get to see some good ol' boobage too, although only one pair and not really for that long. The acting and dialogue is pretty much standard slasher level stuff, but the Skyler character has to be one of the most obnoxious people ever. He's the kind of guy who always has his video camera rolling and his dialogue seems to consist completely of 90s radical dude speak. Oh and the editing is horrid. I get the fact that's to match the awesomeness of these dudes shredding some gnarly virgin powder but too many cuts in a single scene is just distracting and ugly. All in all SHREDDER is a nice piece of fun cookie-cutter slasher entertainment, but just barely. Throwing in a twist or surprise would have been welcomed but at least there is some nice gore and tits, even if all of the characters are annoying idiots.